Managing Emotions: Begin with Self-Awareness and Self-Management

I turned around in my kitchen and walked into the open dishwasher, cracking my shin on the edge of the door. Ouch!#@%*! It was all I could do to keep from kicking the door. But I caught myself and made some better choices.

"This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival."

-- From:  Say I Am You, Poems of Rumi
Translated by John Moyne and Coleman Barks

I turned around in my kitchen and walked into the open dishwasher, cracking my shin on the edge of the door. Ouch!#@%*! Pain went through my body, and my anger barometer zoomed from zero to one hundred in about two seconds. It was all I could do to keep from kicking the door. Good thing – the pent up energy in my body would have torn the door off its hinges. But I caught myself and made some better choices. I quickly put ice and arnica on my shin, drank a glass of water, and took a few deep breaths. The barometer began to drop. I still hurt, but I hadn't done any damage.

Practicing aikido on the mat, I learn to first manage myself so that I can better manage the attacker. I center and extend ki (energy, life force) in order to blend with the attacker's power and direct it toward a positive outcome. Off the mat, I can do the same. In the face-off with my dishwasher, a huge emotional attack threatened. How could I blend with that?

Emotional Intelligence (EI) – a phrase made famous by Daniel Goleman, author of many books on the subject – begins with self-awareness and self-management. Goleman writes that in high emotional states, we often get "hijacked" by the power of our feelings, but we can learn to catch ourselves and direct our emotions before they direct us. Research shows that EI can be learned and that those with high EI receive higher salaries and manage teams that regularly exceed their objectives.

When you are intentional with your emotional energy, you increase your EI, improve interpersonal interactions, and lead a happier life. Here are some thoughts that might help:

Notice, acknowledge, and honor your emotions. "Wow! I'm pretty upset. Where is this upset coming from, and what do I want to do about it?"

Breathe and Center yourself. Put a moment of awareness between the event and your action. Give yourself time to notice your emotional energy and decide what to do with it.

Act Purposefully. Putting ice and arnica on my wound aligned with my purpose. Kicking the dishwasher did not.

Emotions happen. And we can make choices about how we manage them. By gaining awareness in the heat of the moment, you will become more practiced at managing all of your emotional energy with intention and purpose.